20 something

I will be turning 24 years old in a month. Age was never really a big issue for me… I mean I was a teenager; 20 something was a long way away. I know I’m still really young, but whenever someone asks me my age I say “22. no, 23″ take a step back frown a bit, sigh a bit, and mutter “omigosh I’m getting old.”

Time is zipping by like it never has before, and I seem to be standing here just blinking. Other people my age seem to be moving: starting to date, getting engaged, getting married, finding a job, (not having children quite yet). Sometimes I feel like I’m getting left behind.

Pastor Gary said something last week that got me suspecting that he’s been reading my journal (not really, i hope you get my point). He told us that there is no set timeline, that God’s will for people is individual, that where He has us is deliberate in His perfect sovereignty, and he said “stop comparing your timeline to someone else’s!”

It easy to ride the whirlpools of self-pity. It feels nice. Nobody else seems to feel sorry for me, so might as well take it upon myself.
Compare my timeline with “hers.”
Getting jealous and sad that she seems to really
know more people than I do. Panicking at how old I am getting.
Weighing the money I will be able to save
IF I get a job.
Wishing I had a job already “if only I
were working.” “if only I were married.”
“maybe I’ll be able to
catch up
with her.” “when am I EVER going to
move back to Lighthouse?”
round and round and round. It’s easier than being busy doing something with my time.

It isn’t about “when will my time come?” It’s what am I doing with the time I have? Faithfulness. Abiding in Jesus. Loving God with all my heart with all my soul with all mind with all my strength: “emotions, will, and thought… my life as a whole… all my resources – talents, abilities, opportunities, possessions, relationships” – Andy Snider

Whatever circumstances His hands usher me, what He cares about is my heart.
Patrick spoke on 1st Corinthians last(?) year. Paul was using the Israelites as an example to the Corinthians to teach them something. Patrick said something like “wouldn’t it be cool just to know where God wants you to be? like… ‘what job should I do?’ CLOUD. ‘who should I marry?’ CLOUD.” (hahaha) when it struck me… the Israelites knew exactly where God wanted them to be, but still they were disobedient. THAT was THE issue. Their HEART. Their OBEDIENCE. and that is MY issue too.

I know where God wants me to be. Here. because that’s where I am.
Single. In LA. Away from SD. living with my mother who has been the single greatest source of sanctification.
And I know how He wants me to live. The Bible tells me so.

Book Review: The Attributes of God

by A.W. Pink

There are about 90 pages of writing to read. Each chapter, though short, is packed with mind turning, heart convicting, tear producing, pride humbling truths about God. After those 90 pages, are 4 pages full of scriptures quoted in the book.  Every paragraph seems to have a reference to scripture.

At the end of this book, I am more amazed at how incomprehensible and big our God is.
I think I will try to post about each chapter, but I’ll start with the last one.

“The notion therefore we can hence form of His glory, is only such as we may have of a large volume by a brief synopsis, or of a spacious country by a little landscape.” – John Howe, qtd.

I thought my mulling and meditations on God were rather deep, but having been confronted with this very short synopsis of God, I was humbled. I was owned.  My thoughts were like the scrapings of the tip of the iceberg scratched with my nails.

And He said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.  This is the greatest and foremost commandment…”
It seems so simple, but do I really love God more than I love myself? Often when faced with the selfish decisions I’ve made the answer is, shamefully, ‘no.’  Loving God with all my heart, and with all my soul, and with all my mind is an activity that I must fight my flesh to do.

“Oh, for a thousand tongues to sing my great Redeemer’s praise!”

Oh, for a purer heart that I might see Him better.

these are a few of the things that I’ve learned

empathy

patience

making things fun

kind words

not hitting

not teasing

talking less,
and showing more

just being there

waiting

say two nice things,
and one suggestion

use your words

the writing process:
pre-write
draft (write with your heart)
revise (write with your head)
edit
publish
and repeat

be clear in your directions

make sure there is a beginning
and an ending

review, review, review

practice, practice, practice

they don’t always understand what you meant
“but i thought i made it clear…”

smile

love

Jesus is the best teacher

these are a few of the things that I’ve learned:

gold

I love watching the Olympics.

As I watch the gymnasts spring backward on a 4 inch wide beam, without a hand to guide them back, as the swimmers pull through the waters with powerful grace, as the divers jump off from a 50 feet height spinning in disciplined grace, as the runners fly around the track, their legs spinning in a blur I start picturing the dull, arduous hours that they spent doing push-ups, pull-ups, stretching, running, weight-training, doing that same routine over and over again to iron out any wrinkles. They continue to beat their body into submission to their will making, training their muscles to be a little bit faster, have a little more endurance, hold a little more control.
I love imagining all that endurance and faithfulness (probably because I lack so much of it).  I love feeling with them that sense of accomplishment that is the reward for all their hard work.

But I hate watching the interviews.
When asked about her plans for 2012, Shawn Johnson replied, “But after coming here and having this Olympic experience — it’s a dream come true. I put my heart and soul into this and won a medal. I’d give anything for that feeling again. If I can compete in 2012, I’ll be there no matter what.”
Talking about how Michael Phelps connects people’s faces with a story of his encounter of them, Michael Phelps’ mother recalled the incidence of one of Michael’s old bullies congratulating him for getting into the Olympics in 2000 at 15 years old.  He had pretended like he didn’t know who his applauder was.  Confused his mother said, “Michael, you know him.” Michael replied that he remembered how he was bullied at a swim meet by him, and didn’t want to acknowledge him. Michael’s mother’s reaction was not of correction, but “That was really mature of him! At 15!”

Giving us an insight of what motivates him, Phelps spoke of the slights and insults that he plays over and over again in his mind to fuel him.  “It makes you want to prove that person wrong.” Ian Thorpe had said of Phelps, “I have said I don’t think he will win eight gold medals. I don’t think he will.”
“But mind you, if there is any person on the planet who is capable, it is him. It’s sad, but I just don’t think it will happen.”

Phelps said he put that article in his locker and looked at it every day for 6 months. All the more he wanted it, to prove someone wrong.

My heart ached for them.  It must feel nice to win gold, to have accomplished something with sweat and by winning that fight with your body.  In the end, though, what does the gold satisfy? An everlasting lusting for satisfaction that can never be satisfied.  When their bodies get old, and they are no longer the nation’s idol for athleticism, when they are no more than history on a page (tremendous though it may be), what do they gain in the end?  Their interviews revealed their ever striving to satisfy the fleeting lusts of their heart: a feeling – vanity, proving someone wrong – pride.

The gospel becomes so bright when held in contrast to the cheap glimmer of perishing gold.  Comparing myself to these amazing athletes is pretty shameful.  I don’t work as hard as they do, and a lot of times my body wins the battle.  I look up at them with appreciation and for inspiration to work hard to take hold of the prize.  But my prize is different.  It is not the facade of fame which covers up a broken life with glitter to make it look shiny; it is not the feeling of accomplishment that satisfies for a short moment, only to leave an unsatisfied lust for something more; it is not gold to buy nice things.  I press on toward the goal, for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
I was not purchased with perishable things like silver or gold, but with the most precious blood of the Lord Jesus Christ. I walk, recalling to mind His righteousness, which reveals just how sinful and insignificant I really am. I will persevere, ever keeping my eyes upon His grace, remembering the wretched state from which He saved me.  I keep my eyes low, my heart rejoicing within me, reflecting upon the unfathomable greatness of His love.

i’m still alive

to bring everybody (all ten of you) up to date on what i’ve been doing

I started my credential program at CSUN. I’m taking summer school so I can finish my credential in a year, Lord willing.

I just finished “Teaching Reading,” and “Math Methodology,” and am currently taking “Introduction to Special Education” and “Science Methodology.” I’m learning so much about what it means to be a teacher, and also realizing how difficult it is to take the knowledge I have to apply it in action.
Sound familiar? It made me realize that my delusion regarding my Christian life is so much easier to overlook. As a Christian you aren’t faced with a situation in which you perform, before a visible audience, the things you are learning. It is a daily battle to walk before an ever present God, and a wrestling in the mind to even remember that He is here. Right now. watching me type. reading my heart. … If it is that hard to apply teaching methods to do one leetle lesson, how much more must I fail in living out my Christian life? It seems like I’m doing fine, but that’s because I’m so sinfully ignorant about my condition. I don’t measure my obedience, but only cringe each time I fail. Each time I just cringe and move on (instead of falling before the Offended One in repentance) I get more and more used to that sin, and more and more blissfully unaware of my condition

I’m loving it, though.  I’m learning a lot, and nervous but excited about applying it in a classroom (next semester, eek!)

Today in the Special Ed class we had a panel of parents of children with disabilities come in.  We also had one little boy named Cooper who was diagnosed with Autism.  He patiently waited while the parents talked, and talked, and talked (learned a lot about how to communicate with parents) for his turn to share about himself and answer our questions for him.  When his turn came he said “Finally! I’ve been waiting and waiting!” (hahahaha)One of the questions started out with,”You said you like P.E. When I was in school I liked P.E. too…”

“OOHHH!!! they had P.E. in the Old Days too??”

able

It’s been a long time
I don’t know why, but I just don’t have the time to sit down and write, or I don’t make the time. I even have a list of things I want to blog.

The Lord is truly faithful and good.
Only He is able.

Obeying Non-Christian parents is ultimately a test of humility.

Do I still choose to respect them though the way they behave doesn’t elicit it?
…God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do those things which are not proper… disobedient to parents… Romans 1:28b-30
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise)… Ephesians 6:1-2

When they provoke frustration and scorn will I still choose to honor them? From the heart?
The eye that mocks a father
And scorns a mother,
The ravens of the valley will pick it out,
And the young eagles will eat it. Proverbs 30:17
(I think God hates dishonor toward parents, no?)

Do I think I’m better than them just because I’m Christian, and I know more about proper behavior?
…showing every consideration for all men. For we also once were foolish ourselves, disobedient, deceived, enslaved to various lusts and pleasures, spending our life in malice and envy, hateful, hating one another. Titus 3:2c-3

When I fail am I quick to seek forgiveness, or do I harden my heart refusing to admit my fault?
You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye… Matthew 7:5

Do I look upon the example of Jesus Christ?
And He went down with them (His parents) and came to Nazareth, and He continued in subjection to them; and His mother treasured all these things in her heart. Luke 2:51

Jesus Christ is Him by whom all things were created. All things were created by Him and through Him (Col. 1:15-20)
He upholds all things by the word of His power (Heb. 1:3)

All things. Including His own parents.

Were they sinners. Of course. Did they sin against Him – more than the immediate sense of man sinning against man, for their Son was God, and all their sin was an offense against Him. (Psalm 51:4)

Yet. He walked in subjection to them. Subjection to those who were created by Him and through Him, and are even upheld by the word of His power. The subjection of a Holy God to sinful creatures. Inconceivable. Yet this is part of the power of God – the gospel, that Jesus came to live that perfect life that we couldn’t live, to fulfill the law and be sin for us. By His righteousness we live. (Romans 5:18-21)

God. submitted Himself to sinners.
and became the perfect example for children to honor their parents.

Today I was tested, and I sinned, but upon my repenting and asking for help He worked in me to change and obey. My heart was still a bit proud of which I had to make full repentance, yet He still used me.

He is able.

contentment.

Paul knew how to manage in every state—he learned to be
content whatever his circumstances. If he was in prosperity
—he knew how to be thankful. If he was in adversity—he
knew how to be patient. He was neither lifted up with
prosperity—nor cast down with adversity.

Many would be content with their affliction—if God would
allow them to pick and choose. They could better endure
sickness—than poverty; or bear loss of estate—than loss
of children. If they might have a cross of their own
choosing—they would be content.

But a contented Christian does not desire to choose his
cross—but leaves God to choose for him. He is content
both for the kind of the afflictions, and the duration of
the afflictions, which God gives him. A contented man
says, “Let God apply whatever medicine He pleases—
and let it lie on as long as He desires. I know when it
has done its cure, and eaten the venom of sin out of
my heart—that God will take it away.”

A contented Christian, being sweetly captivated under
the authority of the Word, desires to be wholly at God’s
disposal, and cheerfully lives in whatever circumstances
that God has placed him in. “I delight in weaknesses, in
insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.”
(2 Corinthians 12:10) He does not only submit to God’s
dealings—but rejoices in them!

-Thomas Watson

I always thought myself a rather contented Christian. Sure I had moments when I wished I were in that stage of life rather than this one, or wish I looked like that, or acted like her, or had parents like this, etc., but even through trials He kept me joyful and content in Him, enjoying Him, loving Him, giving thanks to Him…

Until He brought me into this trial.

I endured an uncertain future; I rejoiced that He was my Father even if my parents were yet like children, and the home I knew was blasted apart; I  gave thanks to Him for trials, knowing that trials produce endurance, and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope.
Then He plucked me out of San Diego, away from personal liberties, freedom from meddling parents, friends who supported me and knew me almost as well as I knew myself (sometimes better), and most costly… my church family: my dear brothers and sisters, spiritual mothers and fathers, away from that place where my mind was at rest, submitting to wise and seasoned leaders who shaped and molded me according to the word of God.

My countenance lost its brightness, my spirit the persevering joy. I grew sullen, and moody, complaining and melancholy, wanting with all my heart, all the aches in it that it would be in God’s will that He take me back.
“Lord, I can’t be joyful unless I’m there!”
I thought you said He was enough.
“But they’re my family!”
I thought you said He was enough.
“He is! but…”
You said He was enough.

Ah, Lord.

He is at work in me to will and to work for His good pleasure. I may not be sent back to Lighthouse (be still! and know that He is God!), but my hope does not lie in Lighthouse, it lies nowhere on this earth. My hope is to be fixed completely on the grace to be brought to me at the revelation of Jesus Christ. His kingdom will come, and my resting place will be there. in Him.

Joy is to be had in Him!

Thankful for:
this trial. for it purges from my heart my willfulness. it quiets me to mold me into a submissive, gentle slave of Jesus, an obedient child.

for all that is in the world…

is my heart content to stay itself on the Lord?
to wait for Him
to trust in Him
to cease from fretting
live without regretting
the decisions I make
that do not take
the Lord’s righteousness,
holiness,
all seeing eyes
to heart.

oh! tune my heart
to sing thy grace
to fear Thee
love Thee
give my every hour to Thee

forgive this wretched sinner,
wandering sheep,
who side-tracks to
taste of the temporary,
deceitful treasures of the earth
that when grasped
tarries its sweetness
for a moment
but quickly evaporates
leaving but a bitter aftertaste,
only regret, only guilt
oh Lord! grant thy servant repentance!

to whom it may concern

this is an email my brother wrote to everyone at church.
i am so encouraged my heart feels like it’s going to burst.
(i changed the names so if you want my brother’s friends’ names to pray for them, just ask and i’ll email it to you)

Hi everyone. i just wanted to tell you guys about my friend Tom. He went to my highschool and is attending UCLA right now. For people in Titus (this is the campus ministry that the church I’m at has at UCLA, and in which my brother is involved), he came to bible study on wednesday. Well i just got back from talking with him and i was able to share the gospel with him through Pastor Chung’s nifty bridge illustration. (I highly recommend everyone to learn and memorize the bridge illustration if they haven’t done so. it covers every aspect of the gospel and makes it very understandable) He liked the bible study and he and his friend, Jerry, are planning to come back next week

He was raised up as a Catholic, but has stopped going to church. He is not very strong in his beliefs and admits that he doesn’t know much about Catholicism. He is a nice guy and is very genuine in the things he says. However, there were some things that he was struggling with.

1. i guess after they got back, they were talking about Christianity with another friend, Sylvester. Jerry brought up the point of how we can trust what the bible says if it is written by men.

2. He was also surprised to hear Pastor Chung call Catholicism Satanic. I think this really hit him hard and rightly so. He apparently thought that Pastor Chung was calling him a Satan worshiper and i kinda told him that everyone who isn’t following Christ is following Satan. We are either a slave to sin or a slave to righteousness. I also assured him that Pastor Chung was not attacking his character and went into how Pastor Chung was caring enough to not sugar coat the message.

Please be in prayer for Tom, for his salvation. That God will show mercy upon him. I really hope that we can see another convert this quarter at UCLA. thank you everyone and see you on Friday!!

my favorite passages

My sophomore/junior year I started to become alarmed at my low view of Jesus. I knew that He was God and all that, but my image of Him was marred by televangelists who would say things like “Be Healed! in the name of JEsus!” The name Jesus was filled with feel-good, empty-religious-sounding cheesiness, and it was alarming.
I didn’t know what to do because I already knew in my head that He was God incarnate, He was there before time began, He lived the perfect life, He was my Master, I loved God, but my understanding of Jesus was very shallow. So I began to pray; I didn’t really know what else to do. The Lord led me to the following passages about Him, and my understanding of Him, my love for Him, my joy in Him has grown because of them. (The Luke one was just recently pointed out to me in a sermon; I’ll share more about that later… it’s pretty amazing)

(for those who like reading the passages straight from their Bibles, here are just the references: Isaiah 6:1-4; Ezekiel 1:26-28; Luke 2:8-14; John 1:1-5, 14; Philippians 2:5-8; Hebrews 1:1-4; Revelation 4:2-3)

“In the year of King Uzziah’s death I saw the Lord sitting on a throne, lofty and exalted, with the train of His robe filling the temple. Seraphim stood above Him, each having six wings: with two he covered his face, and with two he covered his feet, and with two he flew. And one called out to another and said,
‘Holy, Holy, Holy, is the Lord of hosts,
The whole earth is full of His glory.’
And the foundations of the thresholds trembled at the voice of him who called out, while the temple was filling with smoke.”
Isaiah 6:1-4

“Now above the expanse that was over their heads there was something resembling a throne, like lapis lazuli in appearance; and on that which resembled a throne, high up, was a figure with the appearance of a man. Then I noticed from the appearance of His loins and upward something like glowing metal that looked like fire all around within it, and from the appearance of His loins and downward I saw something like fire; and there was a radiance around Him. As the appearance of the rainbow in the clouds on a rainy day, so was the appearance of the surrounding radiance. Such was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the Lord. And when I saw it, I fell on my face and heard a voice speaking.”
Ezekiel 1:26-28

“In the same region there were some shepherds staying out in the fields and keeping watch over their flock by night.And an angel of the Lord suddenly stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them; and they were terribly frightened. But the angel said to them, ‘Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.’ And suddenly there appeared with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying,
‘Glory to God in the highest,
And on earth peace among men with whom He is pleased.’”
Luke 2:8-14

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things came into being through Him, and apart from Him nothing came into being that has come into being. In Him was life, and the life was the Light of men. The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it….
And the Word became flesh, and dwelt among us, and we saw His glory, glory as of the only begotten from the Father, full of grace and truth”
John 1:1-5, 14

“Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be graped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.”
Philippians 2:5-8

“God, after He spoke long ago to the fathers in the prophets in many portions and in many ways, in these last days has spoken to us in His Son, whom He appointed heir of all things, through whom also He made the world. And He is the radiance of His glory and the exact representation of His nature, and upholds all things by the word of His power. When He had made purification of sins, He sat down at the right hand of the majesty on high, having become as much better than the angels, as He has inherited a more excellent name than they.”
Hebrew 1:1-4

“Immediately I was in the Spirit; and behold, a throne was standing in heaven, and One sitting on the throne. And He who was sitting was like a jasper stone and a sardius in appearance; and there was a rainbow around the throne, like an emerald in appearance.”
Revelation 4:2-3
(this one’s talking about Jesus, and look at the Ezekiel passage!! looks like two different people looking at the same thing.)

This is my Lord; He is the radiance of the glory of God; He elicits falling on knees, trembling, confession of sins; He owns everything; Everything was made by Him, through Him, for Him; He upholds all things, yet He came in the form of a helpless babe, to be rejected by His own, to die a wretched sinner’s death, to save this wretched sinner’s life.
How amazing, How incomprehensible is His amazing grace.
Soli Deo Gloria.