i’m not that girl…

Dear ladies
The title of this post was inspired by a song from the musical Wicked:

it remains true that He has risen

Honjyo-san scared me when I first saw him.  He’s really tall and quiet, and he has an unsmiling face.  Like this:

Don't you love the family portrait action? He's the second gentleman from the right.

He looked like a strict Japanese man who crossed all his ‘t’s and never walked out of the house bare footed (big deal in Japan). Doi-Sensei told us that we were having dinner at the Honjyo’s house, and I was a bit nervous.  I thought I would have to really watch my behavior and my words around him.

During dinner time Sarah, Doi-Sensei, and I were sitting near Honjyo-san.  I asked him how he met his wife and he shared the sweetest story about how the attraction wasn’t there initially, but how the Lord brought them together and made them one.  Maybe the contents were not all that spectacular, but his voice was the gentlest I had ever heard, and everything he said just sounded that much more gracious and kind.

He shared his testimony, and I was surprised to find that I could understand most of what he was sharing.  I was interpreting a bit for Sarah, but there was one part where I had to pause and swallow my tears before telling Sarah what he had said.
At the conclusion of how the Lord saved him, Honjyo-san spoke of the amazing truth of the gospel.
“I am still so weak and continue to sin, but it remains true that He has risen from the grave.  He has saved me from my sin, and I keep on remembering it.”

かしまさん – kashima san

Kashima san was my homestay for the first two weeks of the trip, while I was at Inochi no Izumi Christ Church.

Kashima-san <3!

She lives alone and doesn’t speak English very much, and I was SCARED.  ”Omigosh.  This is going to be awkward.  It’s going to be just me and her.  I won’t have anyone to hide behind. EEK.”

The first day is kind of a blur.  I don’t remember exactly how I started to feel comfortable around her, but we hit it off~ =D  Before I met her, I had heard that she sleeps in.  Shelley told me that she woke up at 12:00. Everyday. O.O
But she got up at 9:00 every morning to make me breakfast.
Kashima-san has two sons, both live out of the house.  Her younger brother lived down stairs, but  I never saw him.   When I was helping her with the dishes one morning, she was really happy and said that it was like having a daughter. <3

my room at Kashima-san's. my clothes still smelled like it for a while ^.^

I thought she would be lonely, and in someways I’m sure she is, but the lady keeps herself busy.  She doesn’t have to work, but she does pottery, used to do stained glass windows (beautiful), takes English classes, and goes to Bible study at Hamadera Bible Church.  She hangs out with church people on a regular basis, and is always there for people who need ministering.

She is a great hostess:

dinner at Kashima-sans house with the team and Inochi people

ladies in the kitchen, kashima-san on the far right

corner where the ladies were talking, this is where kashima-san and I ate breakfast <3

takoyaki at Kashima-san's house, two-days after the dinner

Kashima-san was worried about the "genki" or energetic kids. these are only a few of them. they were definitely "genki" phew.

She also lugged her pottery materials to church and hosted a pottery making time for church people.  Sorry, no pictures. I was fixated on my cup (I think it was a cup).

She’s dealt with trial after trial with her family.  Her two sons who live away from her have little contact, and her mother is in a nursing home with Alzheimer’s disease.  She used to take care of her mother in the beginning stages of the illness, but it became too much for her to handle alone.  When her mother was diagnosed with the condition, she prayed for her salvation and faithfully shared the gospel with her.  Even with the dementia of her mind, Kashima-san’s mother was saved.  Kashima-san shared this and expressed her amazement at the God who saves even those with impaired minds.

She gave me an honest assessment of herself while God was taking her through these trials.  She said that she often questioned God asking, “Why? Why my mother? Why my son? Why is this happening?” but she continued to place her faith in God, and gathered strength from His grace.  She continues to love her sons with tenderness and grace, though she must also have wept for them.  She remains cheerful and works joyfully for God’s kingdom.

Kashima-san doesn’t do things in a loud way.  She just does it. (Not that she’s a quiet, demure Japanese woman either.  She’s quite spunky). Of all the unbelievers I met during the first two weeks, more than half of them came through Kashima-san.  She invited three of her friends from English class to B&E, and her closest childhood friend to the retreat.  She shared the gospel with them, and continues to maintain the friendships.
She told me that her best friend was coming to the retreat, and asked me to, “Please, talk to her about God.”  Her friend’s name is Senba-san.

Senba-san

At the retreat I got to ask Senba-san about her relationship with Kashima-san, and how she started attending Bible study with Kashima-san.  I couldn’t understand a lot of what she was saying but I got one part.  She said that she saw Kashima-san going through a lot of difficult things with her family, but still staying strong because of her faith.  She had grown up with Kashima-san, and saw how her faith had changed her. Senba-san wondered what kind of faith this was, and started to attend bible study with her.

I got to tell Kashima-san about my family, too. I told her about how lazy I am about helping my mom around the house, and she just said, quite frankly, “Yea, that’s bad.” I told her that my mom’s favorite color was turquoise, so she gave me a turquoise cup that she had made to give to my mom.  <3
I emailed her a few weeks ago, and she said, “お母さんの　てつだい　してね❤ (Help your mom, okay? <3)”

yes. i look like a giant next to her. that is the theme for most of my pictures in Japan. Oh yea, and that's my wallet she's holding. I left it sitting on a chair. -.-

I have the best people praying for me, and He’s been changing my heart.

i promise

My first impressions of Takenaka-san was an intimidating one.  We were warned not to step out of line with her.  She is a very wealthy, influential lady and she will be very straight forward with you if you did something you are not supposed to do.

I also heard impressive things about her.  Gabe said that everyday she did something that had to do with the gospel.  Everyday was spent doing kingdom work.  I wanted to get to know this lady.

When we got to Izumisano Bible Church for Joy Joy 5 days, Shelley had a bag full of gifts for Shelley, Sarah, and me and cards for the guys.  I got a small handmade bag with a package of Japanese crackers inside.  Shelley told me they were from Takenaka-san.  I only got a glimpse of her that day because she was busy talking to Gabe (from whose head she had knocked off a baseball cap saying “You do not wear hats in Japanese homes!” several years ago… scare…) then she disappeared into the kitchen.

The next time I saw her she watched me teaching kids English.  I’ll be honest… I tried extra hard to look good in front of her.  =D  I never got to really sit and talk to her that whole week.  She was always in the kitchen and I would be working with the kids, but everyday she would give a trinket to the girls and a card for the guys.

The last evening they threw a dinner for our team.  Everybody was assigned tables so that the team would all be separated.  Takenaka-san sat next to me!  I told her
“I heard a lot of things about you from Gabe.”

a look of apprehension, “What did he say?”
“I heard good things and funny things.”
she just smiled
“and a little bit scary things…”
looks at me reproachfully

a little later…

“Gabe told me…”
again look of apprehension and a bit of reproach
“that you spend every day with something that has to do with the gospel.”

“Yes.  Everyday you have to work for God’s kingdom.  If you don’t do His work, that’s when you feel down.  I lost my husband several years ago, and from that time I said that my life was going to be lived doing my Master’s work.  You have to speak the gospel,  to Christians, to non-Christians… I call my grandchildren ever week and tell them about the gospel.  One time my granddaughter called me and asked me, ‘おばあちゃんには何が一番だいせつ(Grandma, what’s the most important thing for you?’ and I said, ‘もちろん神様ですね. (God, of course)’ and she says,”やっぱりそうだっと思た (that’s what I thought you would say)’ if she knows what I’m going to say, she shouldn’t ask me!”
The Lord also gave me the privilege to be the chancellor of the English class at Hamadera Bible Church, and I get to share the gospel with the students there twice a week.  I help out at the neighborhood orphanage two days, and the nursing home two day.”

(don’t have too many pictures of her because she was always in the kitchen)

All this was said very matter-of-fact.  There was no boasting or laying out of her accolades, but simply explaining how she got in touch with unbelievers to share the gospel with.

Later I was telling her about how unfaithful I am,  how I get really excited about these projects and about coming to these mission trips, but walking faithfully before God everyday is something I lack.  She told me that the most important thing is meditating on God’s word everyday.  If we don’t meditate on God’s word, we won’t grow as Christians and we won’t walk faithfully.  Then she reached out her pinky finger to me and said, “やくそくして(promise). That you’ll read and meditate on the word everyday.” So I promised.

Times in the word before Japan and even after Japan has been paltry at best… I had been wrestling with, “why is fellowship with God so dry these days?” I realized it all traced back to a lack of meditation on the Word.  Having studied the word is not enough.  Studying a lot of it for a short period of time and leaving it alone for a while doesn’t cut it.  Everyday needs to be spent in meditation before the Lord.  Everyday, I need to renew my mind in it.

Walking faithfully and in service to God has been challenging since I got back.  I knew I would have to adjust to not having a schedule set for me, and I am still struggling with it… I have not kept the promise, but the Lord is gracious to turn my heart to Him.
Please pray for me, that I would be faithful in reading and meditating on the word, and that I would be mindful about how to make the gospel a part of every day.
Please pray for Takenaka-san, that her work for God’s kingdom would continue to bear much fruit.

20 something

I will be turning 24 years old in a month. Age was never really a big issue for me… I mean I was a teenager; 20 something was a long way away. I know I’m still really young, but whenever someone asks me my age I say “22. no, 23″ take a step back frown a bit, sigh a bit, and mutter “omigosh I’m getting old.”

Time is zipping by like it never has before, and I seem to be standing here just blinking. Other people my age seem to be moving: starting to date, getting engaged, getting married, finding a job, (not having children quite yet). Sometimes I feel like I’m getting left behind.

Pastor Gary said something last week that got me suspecting that he’s been reading my journal. He told us that there is no set timeline, that God’s will for people is individual, that where He has us is deliberate in His perfect sovereignty, and he said “stop comparing your timeline to someone else’s!”

It easy to ride the whirlpools of self-pity. It feels nice. Nobody else seems to feel sorry for me, so might as well take it upon myself.
Compare my timeline with “hers.”
Getting jealous and sad that she seems to really
know more people than I do. Panicking at how old I am getting.
Weighing the money I will be able to save
IF I get a job.
Wishing I had a job already “if only I
were working.” “if only I were married.”
“maybe I’ll be able to
catch up
with her.” “when am I EVER going to
move back to Lighthouse?”
round and round and round. It’s easier than being busy doing something with my time.

It isn’t about “when will my time come?” It’s what am I doing with the time I have? Faithfulness. Abiding in Jesus. Loving God with all my heart with all my soul with all mind with all my strength: “emotions, will, and thought… my life as a whole… all my resources – talents, abilities, opportunities, possessions, relationships” – Andy Snider

Whatever circumstances His hands usher me, what He cares about is my heart.
Patrick spoke on 1st Corinthians last(?) year. Paul was using the Israelites as an example to the Corinthians to teach them something. Patrick said something like “wouldn’t it be cool just to know where God wants you to be? like… ‘what job should I do?’ CLOUD. ‘who should I marry?’ CLOUD.” (hahaha) when it struck me… the Israelites knew exactly where God wanted them to be, but still they were disobedient. THAT was THE issue. Their HEART. Their OBEDIENCE. and that is MY issue too.

I know where God wants me to be. Here. because that’s where I am.
Single. In LA. Away from SD. living with my mother who has been the single greatest source of sanctification.
And I know how He wants me to live. The Bible tells me so.

Book Review: The Attributes of God

by A.W. Pink

There are about 90 pages of writing to read. Each chapter, though short, is packed with mind turning, heart convicting, tear producing, pride humbling truths about God. After those 90 pages, are 4 pages full of scriptures quoted in the book.  Every paragraph seems to have a reference to scripture.

At the end of this book, I am more amazed at how incomprehensible and big our God is.
I think I will try to post about each chapter, but I’ll start with the last one.

“The notion therefore we can hence form of His glory, is only such as we may have of a large volume by a brief synopsis, or of a spacious country by a little landscape.” – John Howe, qtd.

I thought my mulling and meditations on God were rather deep, but having been confronted with this very short synopsis of God, I was humbled. I was owned.  My thoughts were like the scrapings of the tip of the iceberg scratched with my nails.

And He said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.  This is the greatest and foremost commandment…”
It seems so simple, but do I really love God more than I love myself? Often when faced with the selfish decisions I’ve made the answer is, shamefully, ‘no.’  Loving God with all my heart, and with all my soul, and with all my mind is an activity that I must fight my flesh to do.

“Oh, for a thousand tongues to sing my great Redeemer’s praise!”

Oh, for a purer heart that I might see Him better.

these are a few of the things that I’ve learned

empathy

patience

making things fun

kind words

not hitting

not teasing

talking less,
and showing more

just being there

waiting

say two nice things,
and one suggestion

use your words

the writing process:
pre-write
draft (write with your heart)
revise (write with your head)
edit
publish
and repeat

be clear in your directions

make sure there is a beginning
and an ending

review, review, review

practice, practice, practice

they don’t always understand what you meant
“but i thought i made it clear…”

smile

love

Jesus is the best teacher

these are a few of the things that I’ve learned:

gold

I love watching the Olympics.

As I watch the gymnasts spring backward on a 4 inch wide beam, without a hand to guide them back, as the swimmers pull through the waters with powerful grace, as the divers jump off from a 50 feet height spinning in disciplined grace, as the runners fly around the track, their legs spinning in a blur I start picturing the dull, arduous hours that they spent doing push-ups, pull-ups, stretching, running, weight-training, doing that same routine over and over again to iron out any wrinkles. They continue to beat their body into submission to their will making, training their muscles to be a little bit faster, have a little more endurance, hold a little more control.
I love imagining all that endurance and faithfulness (probably because I lack so much of it).  I love feeling with them that sense of accomplishment that is the reward for all their hard work.

But I hate watching the interviews.
When asked about her plans for 2012, Shawn Johnson replied, “But after coming here and having this Olympic experience — it’s a dream come true. I put my heart and soul into this and won a medal. I’d give anything for that feeling again. If I can compete in 2012, I’ll be there no matter what.”
Talking about how Michael Phelps connects people’s faces with a story of his encounter of them, Michael Phelps’ mother recalled the incidence of one of Michael’s old bullies congratulating him for getting into the Olympics in 2000 at 15 years old.  He had pretended like he didn’t know who his applauder was.  Confused his mother said, “Michael, you know him.” Michael replied that he remembered how he was bullied at a swim meet by him, and didn’t want to acknowledge him. Michael’s mother’s reaction was not of correction, but “That was really mature of him! At 15!”

Giving us an insight of what motivates him, Phelps spoke of the slights and insults that he plays over and over again in his mind to fuel him.  “It makes you want to prove that person wrong.” Ian Thorpe had said of Phelps, “I have said I don’t think he will win eight gold medals. I don’t think he will.”
“But mind you, if there is any person on the planet who is capable, it is him. It’s sad, but I just don’t think it will happen.”

Phelps said he put that article in his locker and looked at it every day for 6 months. All the more he wanted it, to prove someone wrong.

My heart ached for them.  It must feel nice to win gold, to have accomplished something with sweat and by winning that fight with your body.  In the end, though, what does the gold satisfy? An everlasting lusting for satisfaction that can never be satisfied.  When their bodies get old, and they are no longer the nation’s idol for athleticism, when they are no more than history on a page (tremendous though it may be), what do they gain in the end?  Their interviews revealed their ever striving to satisfy the fleeting lusts of their heart: a feeling – vanity, proving someone wrong – pride.

The gospel becomes so bright when held in contrast to the cheap glimmer of perishing gold.  Comparing myself to these amazing athletes is pretty shameful.  I don’t work as hard as they do, and a lot of times my body wins the battle.  I look up at them with appreciation and for inspiration to work hard to take hold of the prize.  But my prize is different.  It is not the facade of fame which covers up a broken life with glitter to make it look shiny; it is not the feeling of accomplishment that satisfies for a short moment, only to leave an unsatisfied lust for something more; it is not gold to buy nice things.  I press on toward the goal, for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
I was not purchased with perishable things like silver or gold, but with the most precious blood of the Lord Jesus Christ. I walk, recalling to mind His righteousness, which reveals just how sinful and insignificant I really am. I will persevere, ever keeping my eyes upon His grace, remembering the wretched state from which He saved me.  I keep my eyes low, my heart rejoicing within me, reflecting upon the unfathomable greatness of His love.

i’m still alive

to bring everybody (all ten of you) up to date on what i’ve been doing

I started my credential program at CSUN. I’m taking summer school so I can finish my credential in a year, Lord willing.

I just finished “Teaching Reading,” and “Math Methodology,” and am currently taking “Introduction to Special Education” and “Science Methodology.” I’m learning so much about what it means to be a teacher, and also realizing how difficult it is to take the knowledge I have to apply it in action.
Sound familiar? It made me realize that my delusion regarding my Christian life is so much easier to overlook. As a Christian you aren’t faced with a situation in which you perform, before a visible audience, the things you are learning. It is a daily battle to walk before an ever present God, and a wrestling in the mind to even remember that He is here. Right now. watching me type. reading my heart. … If it is that hard to apply teaching methods to do one leetle lesson, how much more must I fail in living out my Christian life? It seems like I’m doing fine, but that’s because I’m so sinfully ignorant about my condition. I don’t measure my obedience, but only cringe each time I fail. Each time I just cringe and move on (instead of falling before the Offended One in repentance) I get more and more used to that sin, and more and more blissfully unaware of my condition

I’m loving it, though.  I’m learning a lot, and nervous but excited about applying it in a classroom (next semester, eek!)

Today in the Special Ed class we had a panel of parents of children with disabilities come in.  We also had one little boy named Cooper who was diagnosed with Autism.  He patiently waited while the parents talked, and talked, and talked (learned a lot about how to communicate with parents) for his turn to share about himself and answer our questions for him.  When his turn came he said “Finally! I’ve been waiting and waiting!” (hahahaha)One of the questions started out with,”You said you like P.E. When I was in school I liked P.E. too…”

“OOHHH!!! they had P.E. in the Old Days too??”

able

It’s been a long time
I don’t know why, but I just don’t have the time to sit down and write, or I don’t make the time. I even have a list of things I want to blog.

The Lord is truly faithful and good.
Only He is able.

Obeying Non-Christian parents is ultimately a test of humility.

Do I still choose to respect them though the way they behave doesn’t elicit it?
…God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do those things which are not proper… disobedient to parents… Romans 1:28b-30
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise)… Ephesians 6:1-2

When they provoke frustration and scorn will I still choose to honor them? From the heart?
The eye that mocks a father
And scorns a mother,
The ravens of the valley will pick it out,
And the young eagles will eat it. Proverbs 30:17
(I think God hates dishonor toward parents, no?)

Do I think I’m better than them just because I’m Christian, and I know more about proper behavior?
…showing every consideration for all men. For we also once were foolish ourselves, disobedient, deceived, enslaved to various lusts and pleasures, spending our life in malice and envy, hateful, hating one another. Titus 3:2c-3

When I fail am I quick to seek forgiveness, or do I harden my heart refusing to admit my fault?
You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye… Matthew 7:5

Do I look upon the example of Jesus Christ?
And He went down with them (His parents) and came to Nazareth, and He continued in subjection to them; and His mother treasured all these things in her heart. Luke 2:51

Jesus Christ is Him by whom all things were created. All things were created by Him and through Him (Col. 1:15-20)
He upholds all things by the word of His power (Heb. 1:3)

All things. Including His own parents.

Were they sinners. Of course. Did they sin against Him – more than the immediate sense of man sinning against man, for their Son was God, and all their sin was an offense against Him. (Psalm 51:4)

Yet. He walked in subjection to them. Subjection to those who were created by Him and through Him, and are even upheld by the word of His power. The subjection of a Holy God to sinful creatures. Inconceivable. Yet this is part of the power of God – the gospel, that Jesus came to live that perfect life that we couldn’t live, to fulfill the law and be sin for us. By His righteousness we live. (Romans 5:18-21)

God. submitted Himself to sinners.
and became the perfect example for children to honor their parents.

Today I was tested, and I sinned, but upon my repenting and asking for help He worked in me to change and obey. My heart was still a bit proud of which I had to make full repentance, yet He still used me.

He is able.